This is something I found super interesting to look at when I started my research before going into the query trenches, so I thought I would give anyone curious a look at the query letter I wrote before submitting to Inimitable Books LLC.
Fair warning, the query letter does contain minor spoilers for The Legionnaire so continue at your own discretion.
I wrote a lot of versions of this query letter before getting to the one you've just read. At first, I wanted to include more information about the secondary characters, especially because The Legionnaire is written from three points of view, but that wasn't sitting right. When I had other people read the query letter who hadn't read The Legionnaire, they just ended up confused.
I hadn't really reached the heart of the story. Those secondary characters are important in their own right, but the way they emotionally affect Saiden was why they were important in the story I was trying to tell.
There is so much advice out there about how to structure a query letter--personally I love Susan Dennard's resources on how she got her agent, so I'm not going to go into that here, go check out her blog. The advice I want to give to any querying writer is to make sure you find the heart of your story. That's what's going to capture your reader's attention and make them fall in love with your story.
And if they don't please keep trying. The world needs your stories.